The Difficulty of Living For Me

Elli made an observation this morning, in the middle of a larger conversation, that is reverberating in my brain today.

She pointed out that when I need to do something for the family, or work, I get it done.  But when it’s something for myself, like fiddle lessons, or losing weight, or getting some time away from home doing fun things, I don’t follow through.

She’s not wrong.  And part of that is a very family-focused mentality, but it’s also a self-esteem issue.  On a deep level I can’t seem to get through, I don’t think much of myself.  No matter how I act, I see myself as wanting in every way.  So why should I cost my family money so I can learn to play the violin better?  I don’t deserve that.  Why should I go to movies, or have a night out?  I don’t deserve it.

And it’s really hard to break through that, because you guessed it: Why should I?  It isn’t worth it for me.

I’m trying to break free of this, but it’s a habit of mind that I’ve been living with for forty years now, and the neural pathways were laid when I was much, much younger, when I lived with my adopted family.

It’s hard to shed a toxic family, even when it’s been 27 years since you spoke to any of them.

Published by Michael R. Johnston

Father of an eighth grader, high school English teacher, writer. Fifty years old and feeling almost every bit of it on some days, and not a bit of it on others. Based in Sacramento, California, USA

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