So I finished my app packet for Viable Paradise XVII. The application deadline is in June, I worked hard to get it ready NOW, and now that it’s done, I’m seriously considering just saying “No, never mind,” going back to the keyboard, and moving on.
I honestly don’t know if this is “You’re not good enough” syndrome (THANKS, MOM!), or “What’s the point, you don’t need it anyway, why even bother,” or just that I’m sick and can’t think straight right now. I’m not even sure it matters, to be honest.
Actually, I know what it is. I just honestly don’t think I’m that good. I think I have moments of brilliance, pages where the words just WORK. But most of the time, I’m terribly unhappy with my work, and I look at it and consider it to be shit. And seriously, what’s the point of it if I can never look at it and think it’s worth the work I put into it? I get ideas, and they seem awesome, and then I start to work on them, and it doesn’t matter if I’m just freestyling it or if I take weeks and months to lay out the groundwork before starting composition, I just… fizzle. I feel like, even if I was accepted to VP, even if I went, I’d just sit there all night trying to write, knowing I had to share my work in the morning, and type out nothing but useless dribble. And that’s even assuming I was accepted; which, to be honest, is a long shot.
Half the time, I’m convinced I could do it. I’m convinced I could write for a living. The other half the time, I’m convinced I’m just a reader who wishes he could do it like the pros.
So, yeah. Here I am, in a holding pattern.